The STRUGGLE(s) of my (and probably yours, too) Life While in College (or anywhere else)

Academics are hard, but by far, they aren’t the hardest part.

Personally, the hardest thing is emotional stress. That’s everywhere.

This doesn’t mean that I’m upset that I made a C- in one of my major classes, and now I think I’m not as smart as I “used to be.”

This doesn’t mean that I’m having a hard time trying to fit in to a PWI, when all that I’ve attended all my life were predominantly black schools, and I was isolated in either setting.

This is more about how I’m feeling in the present.

Slowly, everything that bothers you gradually makes you more stressed. You may not notice it in the moment, but if you take a seat and stare at a wall for about an hour or two, you start to reflect on your shit.

You go to class and realize that what you’ve been spending the past two years on is something that you aren’t passionate about. You worry. You tell people how you feel, and they tell you that you still have time to change your major or make a decision, and the cold reality is: you don’t. You’re stuck with that major, or you’re tackling on something else that takes another semester or a few out-of-pocket summer sessions to fulfill.

You decide that since you can’t shine through your major, you want to try out other things. You apply for many things that your college promises they want to be inclusive with. Your college wants to “increase opportunity” for people, and knowing your background, you have been needing opportunity all along. Oh wait- your school denied you multiple times.

They didn’t deny you to work, though. You go to work, thinking finally– this is an area where I can shine. It’s just work. But then things go wrong, and you aren’t shining as much as you’d like to be. You make a few very fixable mistakes but your supervisors look down on you for it. In reality it isn’t a big deal, but you feel like if you can’t even be successful in a simple workplace setting, what are you even good for?

You start to think about what else you can potentially contribute to society. You call your friends and family, and they give you words of encouragement, and tell you the things that you’re good at. You’ve noticed recently that all of the things they say are meaningless, or things you’ve just proven yourself to not be good at. You appreciate their optimism, but in reality, things just aren’t that good.

You start to feel worthless. Should you drop out of college? That might make you happier, but unless you have an idea for employment, the job-search just became 50x harder.

You start to feel useless. Should you continue college? You’d get a cool major and maybe even land a job within a year after graduating. But from what’s been said above, you’d probably dislike your work or spend all of your money on debt that you couldn’t avoid. Undesirable.

You start to feel hopeless. Is there any alternate plan? This shit determines the rest of your life, and you’re not even in control.

Maybe what you’re feeling is just a temporary feeling due to stress. Maybe it isn’t. Who knows, because you sure as fuck don’t.

This is only the start of your problems, because there are 99 more. 99 more that are just as serious as this, but this issue only consists of 1% of your emotional distress.

1 percent.

But you keep going anyway. Maybe one day things will get better.

Or not.

This isn’t a cry for help.

This is the statement of thousands of people, all just wanting somebody to listen. Somebody to be able to relate to what they’re going through, and instead of being judged for being too whiny, or worrying about what others think— they just want to be heard.

This isn’t a cry for help.

This is just me expressing what I feel, how I’ve been feeling.

I’m not looking for a “I’m sorry you’re going through this,” or a “Oh my God, this is so sad! I hope you feel better,” because, once again…

This isn’t a cry for help.

Not everything is. Don’t tell me you’re sorry, because your sorriness isn’t going to make anything better. Let me know how you’re feeling.

Let me hear you out. If you’d like, you can leave a comment below, or contact me personally via the contact page.

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